Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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