whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
