Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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