What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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