I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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