so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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