Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
