omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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