why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
