i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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