its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
