If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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