Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
...so i touched it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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