you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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