My sheets look like a crime scene.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
