how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Found your dick twin last night
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
