the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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