im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
