I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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