why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
