We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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