he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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