you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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