please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
