dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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