i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
