I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
