this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
