I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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