Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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