why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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