Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm too high and old for this...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
