Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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