I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
