I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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