He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
