Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Randomize
