Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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