Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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