Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Those nachos came to me in a dream
did i just pee glitter
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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