life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
