when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
