my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
