My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
