My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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