I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
