the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize