My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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