the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
