Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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