was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
