It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
