I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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