im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
