I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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