My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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