He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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