Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
