I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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